American Satire
by OneScoop
Summary: America gets bored. He finds satire on , and wants to do something humorous. He gets himself married with England, develops a strange obsession with Russia, and China wants to know where his money is at. Will include many other characters. [Rating may change. Swearing, minor sexual themes] IN PROGRESS


**Summary: **America gets bored. He finds satire and wants to do something humorous. He gets himself married with England, develops a strange obsession with Russia, and China wants to know where his money is at. Will include many other characters. [Rating may change. Swearing, minor sexual themes]

ALFRED's POV.

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><p>So, it was a normal meeting. So normal that I figured: hey, why not enforce that new word I learned while on ? (Yeah I search , it's not as lame as " " though. They both come in handy, but especially whenever a certain Englishman won't assist you in your vocabulary.) Upon arguing with myself on whether which two sites were better, I noticed a cheeseburger walk past. Yeah, a chicken nugget. I don't understand why you're confused. Don't you have your local milkshake that advertises their products? Maybe on the side of a road, or underneath a bridge.<p>

The advertising is never an accomplishment though. You know, because who is attracted to an elderly man (who is probably homeless) and is dressed in attire that resembles food that we see daily. In my opinion it makes me loose my appetite.

As I eyed the 'milkshake man', I began to think: _wait! Milkshake man looks a lot like Arthur! _

Oh wait. It was. I guess I'm so hungry that I began to replace my allies with beverages.

"Alfred!" A stern voice rang in my ears. _Damn you milkshake man._

"What?" I replied carelessly. I twiddled with a pencil. I was trying to Balance it on my nose.

"You keep playing with that dumb pencil, bloody hell! Please pay attention."

_I guess hell is bloody. _I thought sarcastically. I didn't say it aloud though, because then he'd probably call me a 'bloody wanker'. I'm not sure of what a wanker is but they don't sound bloody.

"Fine." He watched me. Why wouldn't he turn around? Stop staring at me!

"Now."

"It is down."

"No it is not!" Arthur was getting way too worked up.

"Dude," I chuckled. "Calm down. I can see your neck-veins."

Arthur clenched his fists and restrained himself from probably killing me. "If you will just pay attention..then I will stop nagging you." _A deals a deal. _

"Okay." I agreed. I took the pencil off the bridge of my nose and placed it on the meeting table. At least Arthur isn't screaming at me, or screaming at me for now.

_China, France, Russia, Germany, Italy, Japan, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Belarus, big-boobed girl, Spain, Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Finland, Sweden, Greece, Turkey, and that one guy that we all recognize but pretend we truly don't._

I counted off the participants. They included myself and Arthur too. Obviously not everyone was here but that's because we try to avoid the Middle East, and Mexico. It's kind of an unspoken rule. Though I think Mexico is pretty rad.

Arthur was still presenting, and it was Russia's turn next. I turned to look at the clock which struck 1:04. The meeting had only begun at 12:30, yet it felt like I had been captivated in prison for two decades. _Is there anything I could do to pass time? _I thought. I pondered over multiple choices. Pulling the fire alarm, pretending to pass out, go to the bathroom, ask a question that has nothing to do with the topic, pretend to receive a call from my boss, start a fight with Russia, throw a paper airplane at Arthur, use that one guy I don't know to take my place (we _are _twins) or enforcing that word I mentioned a while back. Oh, it was satire. I could do something completely idiotic to distract everyone from the meeting; it must be humorous though.

"May I be excused?" I interrupted.

Arthur exhaled frustratedly. He paused his speech and eyed Germany.

"Just for seven minutes?" I pleaded. "Seven because five is never enough."

Germany gave his approval and I praised him with a, 'Thanks Luddy!' Who later began to tap his fingers on the meeting desk with embarrassment.

As Arthur, Luddy, and the rest of the nations got back on task I mutely stood up and exited the conference room.

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><p>I continued to walk until until I no longer heard voices. Now absorbed in my personal thoughts, and the silence I thought: <em>how could I return with an epic greeting? I want to do something funny. <em>I shoved my hands into the cozy pockets of my bomber jacket and quickened my pace. If I wanted anything to work, I must be fast. I only had seven minutes. _Damn! I should've said eight! The extra minute to gather my thoughts. _

Moaning out of frustration I head down a long hallway. Then turned right, then down another hall until I reached an elevator. Pressing a simple button, I entered it and eyed the multiples choice.

F1.

The door closed. I felt the drop in my stomach and smiled. I always loved that part. The doors opened after about thirty seconds. Dashing out, I tread past the welcome desk and departed through the automatic doors. Heading out to my car I felt my smile turn into a mischievous grin. Wow, was it lame to find your own ideas hilarious?

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><p><strong>(1:10)<strong>

One more minute!

I screamed within my mind. As I pulled into the parking lot of a large building I rushed inside. I waved at the woman who sat behind the welcome desk. I then scurried to the elevator, the same one I used to leave. I got inside and pressed, 'F3' frantically. I made sure that the paper I held didn't fall.

The doors opened and I sprinted forward. Down a hall, turn right then down another hall. I had slowed into a fast-walk. By this time, I was sure it was 1:11.

I saw the dreaded conference room ahead of me. Same nations, same boring atmosphere. But I would stir it up! As I gripped the cold door handle, I saw Russia affront the room. I concluded that Arthur must have finished. _I don't want to interrupt him. I might get an even worse ass whooping than what Arthur would give me. _I braced myself. Firmly gripping the papers within my free hand I decided that this was worth it.

Swinging the door open, I immediately felt tens of twenty pairs of eyes burn into me. But that all subsided when I declared:

"Hey, guess what everybody?" I raised the papers. "Me and Arthur are totally married now! All within seven minutes!"

**author's note: The ending was very rushed, and I'm sorry for that. I may rewrite a portion of it some time down the road. Hetalia, or the characters do not belong to me at all. This is my first fanfiction and hey, I'm trying. **


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